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June 27, 2012
Stay-at-Home Husband?
There’s been a buzz about shifting gender roles lately: from controversial e-books and magazine covers.
More women are bringing home the paycheck while husbands maintain the home.
Women are already breadwinners or co-breadwinners in a third of American families, according to The Center For American Progress.
So, where’s this phenomenon headed?
This breadwinner shift is making it more socially acceptable for men to maintain the home, says Lisa Sawicki, a partner in PricewaterhouseCoopers' assurance practice. And she knows from experience – she works while her husband stays home.
“This wasn’t the plan when we first got married. But as opportunities became available we decided it was beneficial for him to stay home.”
The good news: Pew Research Center data shows nearly 75 percent of adults say more working women is a change for the better.
But it’s not easy. Sawicki says she’s seen women change out of work clothes before attending a school event to blend in better with stay-at-home moms.
When it comes to navigating this new territory, she says challenges arise when women feel guilty about being away from home, and men feel inadequate for not being providers.
Sawicki suggests calling out any tension that arises so it doesn’t become resentment, and continuing to see the family as a team.
“When opportunities shrink in an economic downturn,” she adds, “men and women start recognizing they function best as a team and focus on what’s best for the family as a unit.”
Bonus PINK Link: Are women truly the richer sex? Find out here.
Are you the breadwinner in your family? Comment and tell us your story.
By Caroline Cox
“Families are like fudge - mostly sweet with a few nuts.”
Unknown
*Supporting images from FreeDigitalPhotos.net, David Castillo Dominici, photostock
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Comments
i don't want my husband to work
This may sound really weird, but I would rather my husband stay home and take care of the house and dog than go to work.
I have a good job that can pay almost all of the bills, but I would rather him get a part time job and be able to maintain the home while I am at work. We have no kids and do not plan to.
Is this weird?
Majority Breadwinner
I'm with most of you - I make just about twice as much as my husband. But here's the real problem: I have an 8 minute commute, and pass our son's doctor, daycare and future elementary school on the way, while he has a 45 minute commute far in the other direction. Therefore, even though I'm making more of the money, I'm the one "on call" for emergencies, doctor appointments - you name it. I feel extremely stressed all the time - it's an unbelievable amount of pressure. And he just doesn't understand why I get so stressed. "Family comes first" he says. It's hard to argue with that ... unless you are bringing home most of the family money!
In fairness, he takes what he can in terms of doctor appointments and helping me manage the responsibilities that are scheduled ahead of time. But, man, those emergencies are making me look real unreliable real quick (at an awesome job that I just started). He's doing his best, but this isn't going to last long - especially if we have more than 1 kid. I expect he'll be a stay at home dad with some sort of contracting work on the side for his profession. I don't think he resents me for making more money (although his father sure does!), but he is frustrated that he isn't earning the big bucks that he thinks he should. Fun times!
I am the Breadwinner
We made the decision 10 years ago, while I was pregnant with our first child; he would follow my career. He still works, but I make triple his earnings. His salary basically covers the cost of private school for our two children.
It's okay, though now I wish I could work part-time so I could enjoy going to the kids' school for volunteering or functions. I feel underappreciated, because if the laudry isn't done and the house picked up, he is irritated. All while I am working for a six-figure salary. I work at work, and then I come home and work.
Changing nature of our relationships
I too have found this shift in both the look and feel of our relationships as more women are well educated and enjoy their careers. In the research on high achieving women for my book Wander Woman, I found that when women quit looking for men to financially take care them, they can look for true partners. Also, when they don't need financial support, they look more for emotional support.
I wrote a blog post for Psychology Today on how these women choose their men at http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/wander-woman/201201/consciously-choo.... I am hopeful that this demonstrates that men and women can respect each other for the love and kindness they share regardless of how they define the roles and responsibilities.
Stay at home Dads/Husbands
Back in 2001 my husband was laid off from his computer job. I had a part time business and 2 kids ages, 6 and 2 to take care of. The day he got laid off and came home, I shipped the kids off to grandmas for the night, took my husband out to eat and then went to the casino and spent $500 and the next day invested $1000 in a new laptop and announced to the world that my business was going full time, whilst hubby would be a stay at home dad! We have also homeschooled our kids as well so his new "job" was an enormous task. He went to the weekly "mama tribe" meeting with all my other female mums who are homeschooling and sat and discussed anything and everything that came up. Steve (hubby) did this for 2 years until the day I came home from seeing a client, went straight to the shower and then came and sat down in the living room and turned on the TV. Steve in the kitchen with an apron and one child under his arm said "you just don't appreciate me. Look how tidy the house is and the boys have been fed and I need some attention from you." We both looked at each other intently and realized how much we had changed roles. That was the day hubby went back to work part time! I continue to be the bread winner and he still does more with the kids, especially being the taxi service it takes to raise kids, and I'm still very fortunate that I have a man in my life that doesn't care about what others' think of him and knew it was the correct thing to do for our family.
Bread Winner!?
Yes, I am the bread winner in our home. I do have to admit that I am often frustrated by it though. It was never my desire to be the one in the family that everyone depends on when it comes to finances. I expected that when I was a single mom--not married! Now, I have more people to take care of, 3 more to be exact.
Bread Winner
I am in the same boat. I never really wanted to be the breadwinner with all the responsibility. We have 3 kids, now in their early 20s, and I feel like he is Disney dad (no stresses, only fun) while I carry workforce stresses and exhaustion with a managerial job. Somewhere along the line, he gave up looking for work. I feel stuck in a job I am not crazy about with a long commute. If they stay out too long, they CAN'T find a high paying job and we end up working until mid 60s while husbands don't contribute. A lot of pressure. It's one thing if you agree to this arrangement ahead of time, but we didn't. Now, it's a rut. So, look out working moms. You may end up working through all your children's growing up period.
As kids get older, they need good role models in both parents. I read an article once that said "women do this to themselves". We act like we have everything in total control and the men just step back and feel unneeded and let us be in control. Hmmmmmm
My husband stays home with
My husband stays home with our newborn while I work four days a week. He has been wonderful with the baby and enjoys this special time. There are no "gender" differences in how we take care of her or in our roles outside of the house. We work, we take care of the baby, and we take care of the house. No fighting about which one of us does it.
Not necessarily a new phenomenon
My husband's father was a stay at home dad in 1980. He's an incredible father, who raised two boys, and supported his CEO wife--and still does today. I am so grateful that he made the sacrifice to stay home.
Gratitude for my husband
He takes care of me, while I'm at the office and does so, often without recognition and often with disapproval from others who think a job outside of the home makes the man. I have unlimited gratitude, every day, for all that I noticed he has done and for all he did of which I am unaware. He is the heart of our home, and he makes it special. In fact, he makes me.
Stay at home dads
My husband has been a stay at home dad for 17 years - taking care of the home and raising our three boys.
Although it has worked great for us, there are times both of us are put into situations which are somewhat awkward. In some ways it was easier when the children were younger since they didnt know or care that mom was at work and dad was the parent who was caring for them. As they grow and become young adults, they notice the arrangement is different.
It works for us!
I had a very cushy stay at home job that allowed me to simultaneously care for my one year old son, while my husband worked outside the home. After a very difficult year of my employer going bankrupt while I was pregnant with my second child, subsequently being out of work for 8 months and dealing with the financial repercussions, and the unexpected devastating loss of my 62 year old father, the opportunity arose for me to reenter the work force at a salary level that was more then $60k over what my husband was making. At that time, my husband and I had to decide if it made sense for him to continue working at a job, in an industry he loved, that only covered our projected daycare expenses. He made the decision to stay home, and has ended up loving the experience. I love the flexibility that the situation gives us, and that my husband has the opportunity to experience all the "firsts" with our second child, that I experienced with our first child, while he was at work. The situation isn't for everyone, but I love knowing that if I can't be with our kids all day, he is. On a side note, he has decided to open his own business so he can continue doing what he loves, but on his own terms!
disabled husband
My husband is disabled, which makes me the breadwinner by default--AND the chief cook and bottle washer. He does get a monthly disability payment, but cannot do very much around the house. I did finally ask him to take over doing the budget and bill-paying... I actually clung to that for a while, unwilling to let go the control, but finally got overwhelmed.
Future breadwinner
My fiance and I are going to be getting married in a year, and we are graduating in December. While he is very capable of getting a job, he is a sales major with very little ambition and I am a triple major with plans to climb the corporate ladder as quickly as possible. I've always been a much harder worker than him, and he is a family man and great with kids. It's very likely that I will be the breadwinner and he will stay home. He's fine with it, and even looks forward to it!