10 Tips for Beginning a New Professional Relationship with Women of Color

Let me first begin by saying that the following tips are generalizations that may help you as you begin a new working relationship with a woman of color. Of course these do not fit for all women of color and in fact many women of color don’t see themselves needing a “special way” of engagement when building relationships.

In my 20+ years of working, networking and finding “friends” on the job I have seen some common themes and observed some successful and not so successful interpersonal exchanges between white women and women of color. As you might expect each woman is different and so please use these tips as a guide not the “rule.” I will however say, I am pretty confident that these 10 tips will serve you well as you navigate through the racial and cultural maze in pursuit of bridging the gaps and establishing trusting professional relationships with women of color.

Before pursuing the relationship:

1. Use your social intelligence! Look around the office, team or company to see how many women of color actually work there. Why is this important? Because if she is the only one or one of few, I guarantee you she knows it, thinks about it, feels it, probably doesn’t like it and on some level it is creating some stress or uneasiness.

2. Use your emotional intelligence! Imagine what it must feel like to be the only one. If you’ve ever been the only woman in a situation comprised of all men, you can get some sense of what it feels like and how uncomfortable you might be.

3. Use your critical thinking skills. That means listen with your eyes, be responsible for your thoughts, keep an open mind, think before you speak, ask questions in a curious, yet compassionate manner and think about her situation as you engage.

4. Do your homework! That means if you are genuinely interested in learning more about a person, their culture or their experiences you must come equipped with some general knowledge about the race or ethnicity they identify with or belong to. That means reading, researching, engaging with the culture, and learning as much about their culture as possible. Now of course you are not expected to be an expert, but do NOT come empty handed, it will be very obvious and may create a roadblock to your success in building a relationship based on trust.

During the relationship building process:

5. Do not expect an immediate response of open arms (this could happen in some cases). TRUST is critical and must be established over time. Many women of color that I know are cautious about building new relationships and this apprehension is justifiable given their past experiences and maybe even current ones. So, it will take some time and knowing this upfront will hopefully make the process easier.

6. Some may tell you to NOT see color or race. I say see it. By seeing it and not denying it or dismissing it you are able to see the whole woman. I am pretty confident in saying that most women of color on some level has experienced racism, discrimination and or been victimized by it. By seeing color right away you can some what get an idea of what she has been through, is going through or experienced in her life time. This is especially true for African American women.

7. Don’t expect her to educate you! That means avoid too many questions that begin with “why do women of color, or why do African-American women or why do Latino women…” I am sure you might be curious about different cultural differences, but asking too many questions as if you’re not culturally intelligent is not good. A woman of color wants to just show up and be, not educate everyone she works with about who she is and why she does the things she does.

8. Take it easy and slow! That means don’t rush the relationship, again referring back to tip #5 TRUST is a big factor and she more than likely needs to be sure that you aren’t going to be like many others who “just don’t get it or understand her culture.” The best thing you can do at this stage of the relationship is listen, validate and support.

As the relationship grows:

9. Do not use defense mechanisms! That means if she shares a personal story laced with stereotyping, profiling, discrimination and or prejudice, believe it, period! That’s right believe the story. If you question it, you lose trust. If you deny or minimize it you lose trust. If you dismiss or justify you lose trust. Here are the most common ways to lose trust: “Are you sure that really happened?” Oh, yes, I know that happened to me too.” “I can understand, as a woman I have experienced that too.” The first one is laced with minimization and denial, the second one is laced with justification and the last one is laced with shifting the focus and minimizing. Be careful. Innocent comments aka “microaggressions” are small but painful (paper cuts). Just listen and support. Then go back to tips 1-8, especially 2, 3, 4 and 7.

10. And finally, tip 10 although I could give you 20-50 more… Become an ally. An ally is someone who embraces differences, sensitive to those differences and uses their cultural and emotional intelligence to navigate the tricky waters of inter-racial relationships. An ally believes, supports and validates a person of color’s experiences. An ally is knowledgeable about the disparities that people of color and in particular women of color face on a day to day basis. An ally is someone who owns their own privileges and does not deny or minimize it yet uses it to promote, speak out about and advocate for racial equality.

One thing is for sure… we (women of color) know an ally when we see one and often times within the first few engagements if not the first. I hope you find value in these tips and begin applying them right away. They are very helpful despite where you are in the relationship, even those you’ve had for years!

Let me know your thoughts on these tips and be wise, be compassionate, be authentic – they know when you are not…

By Catrice Jackson