Death Prep

It isn’t fun, but here’s what to ask your parents this Thanksgiving – before it’s too late.

By Mary Claire Allvine

“You clearly don’t understand the process, little lady,” the broker
snapped at Ruth Bush, an epidemiologist and consultant with Booz Allen in San Diego, when she called to close out her father’s account after his death. An Ivy League degree, a high-powered job and years of professional experience couldn’t prevent Bush from feeling like a child again. As executor of her father’s estate, she was muddling through an emotional, financial and legal maze.  Do not tell anyone your father is ‘deceased,'” says Bush, who learned the hard way. “The customer service people won’t understand the word, and they’ll ask you to put your father on the phone. I finally had to say that he was ‘dead.'” It took her months, dozens of phone calls and several trips between California and Florida to resolve a relatively simple estate.                    

The death of a parent places even the most competent adult into unfamiliar, destabilizing circumstances. In the midst of dealing with emotional loss, you’ll be forced to learn Byzantine laws and practices that vary by state, hospital and brokerage firm. Whether you end up as executor of a parent’s estate or a simple beneficiary – or if you’re trying to figure out how to end your father’s newspaper delivery or determine how to divide your mother’s engagement ring among three siblings – the process is complicated, time-consuming, emotionally draining and expensive. Initiating a conversation with your parents during life will make this agonizing process simpler and cheaper, and ultimately prevent further pain.

A Love Letter


The AXA Equitable Life Insurance Co. has identified this need among its customers and has developed a systematic approach to preparing adult children for the sudden death or incapacitation of loved ones. Its “Family Love Letter” program includes seminars that teach customers what they need to share with loved ones while they’re alive. Seminar participants even receive a box to help them gather in one place everything they need to share before transferring the documents to a fireproof box for safekeeping.     

Mike and Joey Wallace did not need their insurance company to inspire any action. Joey’s father began writing them a letter annually when they were first married; the letter contained all the information they would need if something ever happened to him. Joey’s identical twin sister eventually used the letters’ contents to settle their father’s estate. “I was the executrix, but there was very little for me to do,” Jean Waters admits. “Our father had received a booklet when he was in the Army called Help Your Widow While She’s Still Your Wife. He started filling out that information annually when he was in his 50s. By the time he died at age 89, we had gradually learned everything about his financial life.”

The Wallaces now continue the family tradition by writing to their two adult children annually. “We used to seal the envelope we sent them when they were in college, so that roommates wouldn’t see it. Now that they’re grown and have families of their own, we leave it open so they’ll be sure to read it,” Joey explains. Their letter includes information as varied as where they bank and where they keep their savings, to which desk drawer contains their tax return and how to handle their bodies.

Pass the Potatoes, 
Let’s Talk About Death


You don’t need your insurance company to send you a fireproof box, nor can you afford to wait until your parents send you their “Love Letter.” Starting this conversation may take overcoming a natural aversion to the topic of death, as well as any concerns about being perceived as an opportunist.

Stevie Casteel, an estate planning attorney with the King & Spalding law firm, recommends starting with your own planning. “Over the Thanksgiving table, I suggest discussing your own estate plan. Mention that you’ve written a will, how you’d like issues handled, then ask family members to share their intentions. Your parents’ intentions can have ramifications on your own planning. As an attorney, I recommend reviewing parents’ plans in case they give my clients options they need to exercise in their own documents.”

Ruth Bush used another technique. “For all I went through trying to settle my dad’s estate, I am thankful at least that I had discussed his intentions before he passed away,” she says. She remembers vividly how one of her classmates in grad school faced the sudden death of her parents. That’s what got her thinking. “I then pushed my own parents to get their estates in order by describing my classmate’s situation.” Her parents visited an attorney and involved her in the process after she raised the issue. She later drew confidence from that direct cooperation with her parents when working through the unpleasant process of finalizing her father’s death. 

Still, other families may not need to be quite so earnest. Some gallows humor might be necessary, as well as persistence. Accepting the risk of being told “no” by your parents may well be easier than wondering later if you just should have asked.