Dutiful Daughter

Chris Clauson found some innovative ways to care for aging parents.

By Francine Kaplan

Chris Clauson’s mother, Carolyn, died recently. She lost her 10-year battle with Alzheimer’s in February, but Clauson is consoled knowing that she did her best to make her mother’s final years comfortable. “The goal from the beginning of Mom’s illness was to make it possible for her to die in her own bed at home with as much ease as could be provided,” Clauson says. “That’s what I wanted to make happen, and it was a good feeling to see the end play out that way.”

Although managing her mother’s healthcare sometimes felt like a long solitary journey, Clauson, a building contractor, was not alone. The American Society on Aging reports that in the 22.4 million households providing care to those age 50 and over, 72 percent of the caregivers are women, typically adult daughters. According to Alexis Abramson, author of The Caregiver’s Survival Handbook (Perigee, 2004), this “sandwich generation” of women often experiences guilt, frustration and fatigue while caught between tending to parents and children.

Like many full-time working women, Clauson became the consummate juggler, coping with the emotions and logistics of securing good care for her mother. She found herself making the 12-hour drive or flying to her mother’s home in Washington, D.C., at least every two months. “I would be renovating a house and waiting for the plumber, and he’d finally be coming and I’d have to go,” she says. She remembers once having to leave town in the midst of hanging drywall. “I’d just hope and pray it wouldn’t get messed up,” says Clauson, who spent her travel time on the cell phone coordinating workers, monitoring deliveries and fielding questions like, “Where do you want to put the water-line?”

In the middle of her mother’s illness, Clauson and her husband, Carl, adopted a little girl from China. Clauson would take Steffi along on her trips, feeling it was important for Steffi to know what the often-hereditary Alzheimer’s looks like. “You teach your daughter how you want to be treated by how you treat your mom,” Clauson says. There were also times when she would have to leave her daughter behind and deal with the guilt of missing a class picnic or soccer game.

“I was the first in the family to recognize that there was something wrong with Mom,” Clauson says. “I could see the confusion before the obvious behaviors began, like putting things in strange places.” Despite a brother who lived close to their parents and a sister in California, the no-nonsense Clauson decided to take a lead role in her mother’s care, even from hundreds of miles away.

Joy Loverde, author of The Complete Eldercare Planner: Where to Start, Which Questions to Ask, and How to Find Help (Three Rivers Press, 2000), explains what Clauson learned: that there is only so much you can do long-distance. “Eventually you need to be on your parent’s turf,” Loverde says.

The level of assistance Clauson’s mother needed escalated with time, from a part-time companion who made sure the stove got turned off to full-time help in charge of feeding, medication and personal hygiene. Clauson’s luck in finding good caregivers was enhanced by her creativity. She often found herself cold-calling her mother’s neighborhood association, her church and area colleges asking if they knew of anyone who might be willing to take care of an elderly person for a few hours a day. She considered hiring a college student who could live in the spare room and be there in the evenings. Another lead linked her up with a local nursing school where there were trainees in need of extra cash.

Loverde says once you start actively looking for caregivers you will see possibilities everywhere. She suggests starting conversations with people caring for the elderly at parks, grocery stores or churches. Often they will have family members or friends in the same line of work. Trust officers at banks and hospice care workers are aware of caregivers who have recently become available. Loverde advises thinking in terms of hiring a team. “It’s outdated thinking to focus on a single caregiver,” she explains. “One person might be a companion, another run errands and a third may handle medical dealings.”

Clauson’s most successful idea was calling private schools and asking secretaries if they knew anyone looking for caregiver work. “I thought, ‘Who would be just like me to take care of my mom.’ And the answer was another mom with kids,” Clauson says. She struck gold with a woman from Cameroon who had exceptional references.

“I gave her autonomy to institute her own systems and paid her to help find caregivers for other shifts,” Clauson says. “She was a real manager-type.” By logging everything Clauson’s mother did – what she ate, what pills she took, what exercise she got – it was easy for each shift to know where the previous one left off.

Clauson used her finely honed problem-solving skills to find what she calls her very own “Mother Teresa,” and so her caregiving saga ended well. Finding your own version of saintly help isn’t impossible; it just takes networking, persistence and a willingness to look in unconventional places – qualities that every successful career woman has already mastered.

Creative Ways to Find Help

• Ask at local colleges and nursing schools about students who need extra cash or free room and board.

• Ask bank trust officers and hospice care workers if they know of good caregivers who have recently become available.

• Talk to caregivers you see helping the elderly in public places. They often have friends or family who do the same work.

• Check with school secretaries, who might know of mothers who have free hours during the day.

• Ask adult daycare centers if they can recommend any available caregivers.

• Call senior employment agencies and temp agencies that often have specific listings for people age 65 and over.

• Check local senior centers for retirees who are looking for light work.

• Put up flyers in the neighborhood, YWCA, supermarkets and libraries.

• Take out an ad in the local newspaper.

• Call au pair and nanny agencies.

• Broadcast your needs to relatives, friends, medical professionals, nurses and office workers and enlist them in your search.

• Let a geriatric case manager hire someone for you.

Where to Go for Help

American Association of Retired Persons

The AARP provides resources and articles on caregiving.
888.687.2277, aarp.org

BenefitsCheckUp

An internet service of the National Council on the Aging, BenefitsCheckUp finds programs that may pay some care costs.
benefitscheckup.org, ncoa.org

Caregiver Resource Room
The U.S. Administration on Aging offers brochures, booklets, guides, tips and resources for elders and their caregivers. aoa.gov/prof/aoaprog/caregiver/carefam/carefam.asp

Children of Aging Parents

Children of Aging Parents assists caregivers of the elderly with referrals, online support groups, helplines and educational outreach.
800.227.7294, caps4caregivers.org

Eldercare Locator

This service of the U.S. Administration on Aging connects older Americans and their caregivers with sources of information on senior services.
800.677.1116, eldercare.gov

National Association of Professional Geriatric Care Managers

Offers an online resource for location of a professional care manager.
520.881.8008, caremanager.org

U.S. Administration on Aging

The AoA offers resources for home and community-based services that help older people stay at home, as well as alternatives to nursing home care.
202.619.0724, aoa.gov

This article originally appeared in the August.September 2005 issue of PINK Magazine.