How I Found My Professional Voice Through Grief

“It was January of 2013 and I had just lost my husband. Tomorrow I would have to go back to work. Just one week ago, my husband died and because I was a freelancer I had to go back to work within one week so I would have money for my 4-month-old son and me. Work was now a necessity more than anything. Everything was now on my shoulders and I knew that my career was of the utmost importance. I wanted to do the best I could at my job since I thought I now had the mental capacity to do so. For the first few months of this freelance job, I worked everyday and then ran directly to the hospital to be with my ill husband. He was now gone, so I now had time, I thought, to concentrate on my job. Little did I know how grief would affect me. But for a couple of months there, I was on point.

During the beginning of April, I couldn’t take it anymore. Grief hit me like a tornado and I didn’t even see it coming. I remember sitting at a kick-off meeting and my emotions started to erupt within me. Silently, I tried to look in another direction for fear that one of my co-workers would see me crying. When the meeting ended, I ran toward my desk and just broke down and talked to my manager. I told her how that week I had to get my husband’s name engraved in his tombstone and it all of sudden seemed more real than it had before.

Two weeks later, I was laid off along with a few others. I was assured that it was due to budget issues and not my performance. I must admit that I wondered about that due to my mental fragility.

So now, I owned a house with a crazy high mortgage, a 6-month-old son and no job. I thrived in this type of situation; the pressure was on and I knew that I didn’t have enough money saved to take my time to find a job. I had to find one now. This is what I was good at — survival mode. So I posted my status on Facebook and LinkedIn that I was looking for a job. I contacted every recruiter I knew and sent my updated resume and I looked on every job board as if that was my full-time job. Within a week and a half, I scored a temp-to-perm project manager job at a pharmaceutical ad agency.

While working at this pharma agency, I started teaching writing to college students online. It was a great addition to my job to keep my creative brain working, and it helped supplement my paycheck. This is something I found very important in my quest to be financially stable. I never keep all of my eggs in one basket. Working in an advertising agency is not a stable job. In fact, I have been downsized at least five times in the past ten years. So, while the pay may be better than publishing, where I have worked before, chances are you will not be working consistently.

It was then I decided to take another stab at writing and this time, blogging. When I very first started my career I wrote for a soap opera magazine and a TV trade magazine. I thought: this is something I have control of. I can write and always have something to supplement my career and maybe one day is my full-time career. I enrolled in a poetry writing class to get me back into writing mode. I pounced through my contacts and started writing for any site that would give me the chance. I then realized I finally found my voice. I am not writing just because I make money at it. Instead, I am doing it because I have a passion for it.

I remember sitting in my bedroom one day when my son was at daycare and I had taken the day off of work. My bills started to pile up and I had a month off from teaching because it was summer. I started to get anxiety because I didn’t know how I would pay the bills that month. Tears rolled down my face and I wracked my brain trying to come up with some sort of plan.

This is what always got me into trouble. I made so many plans for my life, but they rarely panned out the way I wanted them to. In fact, life usually came back at me in the exact opposite. However, it was always through the hard times that I found what I really wanted.

Mourning is not a straight line but one that curves and zig zags. One day everything seems to be okay and the next, you don’t know how you will make it to the next day. But with that unwavering uncertainty comes strength, and with that strength a voice. I had finally found my voice as a writer. I found my voice as a mother and as a person. I no longer wait for someone else to approve my decision. The decision is mine to make.

When I first lost my husband, I looked for as many books as I could find on grief. I scoured Amazon and found a few that really spoke to me and showed me I was not alone. Perhaps this seems clichéd, but while going through such a loss it often feels like you’re all alone. I found books like: Nancy Sharp’s “Both Sides Now,” Becky Aikman’s “Saturday Night Widows” and C.S. Lewis’ “A Grief Observed.” This is what made me want to write; I found comfort in words. I sought strength in knowing others had walked my path and had come out on the other side. My voice is my experience. My professional voice is my journey of how I got to where I am. And within my words, one will find my resilience.”

By Natalie Altieri
Photo by Digital Storm | Shutterstock