Language, Communication & Influence: Men and Women at Work

When I was in a meeting last week, one of the female participants began to make her point by saying, “This might sound stupid but…” How many women begin a sentence this way? How many men do? The answer to the first question is: “Too many.” The answer to the second? “Very few.” I can honestly say that I have never heard a guy use this phrase to introduce his point of view in a meeting (though I’m sure some have). So why do we?

The answer lies in how we were brought up. Men and women use language differently and communicate differently because they were usually raised differently. Society has different expectations of boys versus girls from childhood on. Boys are expected to put themselves forward, emphasize the qualities that make them look good and deemphasize those that don’t. Girls are expected to be humble, not grab the spotlight, emphasize the ways they fit the norm, and deemphasize the ways in which they are different.

Boys are more hierarchical – someone is up, someone is… well… down. Boys (and most men) will do anything to achieve and maintain their one-up status. High-status boys are expected to give orders and push low-status boys around (remind you of grade school perhaps?). Boys learn to state their opinions in the strongest terms possible. Girls do not.

Unfortunately for us, the masculine style of speech gives an impression of confidence in business. Men use high-powered speech, engage in conversation rituals, and display strong body language to ensure their one-up position in the workplace. Speaking in ways that convey self-confidence is not always approved of for women. Women comply to this unspoken rule by using low-power speech and weaker body language both at work and outside of it.

What can we do about this? How can we improve our situation? We can be aware of what elements constitute low-power speech (such as hedging, apologizing, or using “polite forms” too often) and work to get them out of our everyday speaking style. We can watch the body language of successful men (and women) and compare it to our own. We can hold our heads high and puff out our chests – figuratively if not literally – to convey confidence and competence. We can understand how language and communication are tied to influence.

While I don’t have the space in this blog to explain all of the ways we can improve the manner in which we come across in our work settings, I can recommend some books that are worthwhile to read. The first is Talking from 9 to 5 – Women and men in the Workplace: Language, Sex and Power by Deborah Tannen, PhD. Another is The Nonverbal Advantage: Secrets and Science of Body Language at Work by Carol Kinsey Goman, PhD. While I am not suggesting that you adopt all of the speech styles and mannerisms of men, I do suggest that you understand when your style is not exuding the confidence you want or feel. Like anything else, all it takes is a little practice!

By Erin Wolf