Race Does Matter

It’s 2008 and yet there are still barriers between black and white women on many interpersonal levels. Unfortunate but often true, race matters. It matters to the point that white and black women often don’t know how to authentically relate to or engage each other in a way that fosters deep understanding and trust. These same complexities exist between all races and between men. However, in my experience, establishing true, deep, lifelong personal friendships with white women has been the most challenging. I am happy to say that despite the differences and difficulties, I have found success in establishing some close friendships with white women.

I’m confident that I am not alone in this experience, as this issue has been the topic of discussion among many other black women I know. I was curious to know whether white women had the same questions or concerns. I decided to survey 50 women I know – 25 black and 25 white – with 10 questions regarding relationships between black and white women. Forty-three women responded and shared their insights into this complex situation.

Through their stories, a few themes rose to the surface:

A sense of urgency: Both white and black women feel a strong need to improve relationships between each other even if they are unsure how to go about it. White women reported being understood more than black women. Specifically, black women reported they felt white women either did not understand them at all or rarely, whereas white women reported that black women understood them often or sometimes.

Race does matter: A theme of related terms surfaced throughout the women’s comments (including fear, lack of trust, denial, frustration, racism, prejudice, privilege, lack of education, stereotypes, lack of understanding, defensiveness, avoidance and failure to actively listen to each other). Black women reported race as an “issue” that creates barriers based on personal experiences.

Clouded vision: White women tend to be unaware of the experiences faced by many black women, and while they know the differences exist and create barriers, they are unsure what to do about it. A few white women indicated understanding the significance of race and acknowledged that it is an issue that needs to be openly discussed.

A need to be understood: Black women clearly realize there are barriers, articulate them, experience them often and seek to be understood, heard, validated, and treated fairly and equal.

Complexity of barriers: The barriers are complex and different for each woman. Generally the women illustrate fear, poor communication, lack of interest, and prejudice/racism as the primary barriers to authentic, trusting relationships.

Solutions for change: It appears that women are seeking opportunities to be heard, to understand each other and to engage in dialogue that bridges the gap and helps women find common ground. Specific solutions included: workshops, social activities, dialogue sessions, long-term relationship-building and opportunities to role-play each other’s life experiences.

The results of this survey indicate a problem that needs to be addressed in a way where both black and white women feel heard, understood and validated. Fear is a significant factor as well as the need for dialogue to be honest, compassionate and ongoing. The issues of race, privilege, prejudice and racism must be a part of the conversation. Otherwise black and white women will continue to engage superficially or not engage at all.

Catriceology Enterprises will be conducting a three-part series called “Conversations in Black and White: Breaking the Ice and Creating a Space for Dialogue” beginning on September 10, 2008. Participants in this session will be exposed to the myths and realities of what it means to be black or white. Participants will discover the insider secrets of what really makes or breaks an inter-racial relationship between black and white women. Participants will be able to get the answers to the tough questions while learning how to not offend in the process. Participants will walk away with practical, realistic tools to help them begin to find the common ground with each new woman they engage with – all while discovering who they are in a greater magnitude

There is much to be gained from this experiential journey. It’s time to find common ground and discover the gray area that connects us as women! I’d love to hear your stories, comments and questions.

By Catrice Jackson