Roxanne Rivera – Co-founder & CEO, PMR Construction Services

As a construction company owner, Roxanne Rivera was literally surrounded by men. Her new book helps women play with the big boys in business – without becoming one.

By Taylor Mallory

Roxanne Rivera started out in marketing and communications, but when she married a man in the construction business, who like her, had an entrepreneurial spirit, they founded PMR Construction Services. She became CEO of a $13 million company with 120 employees.

“I never stopped to realize I was venturing into a good-old-boys network. I just did it,” says Rivera. “All marketing people feel like we can market anything. I didn’t think it would be that hard to win construction contacts. And besides, no one ever told me I couldn’t.”

That’s one of the reasons she wrote her new book, There’s No Crying in Business: How Women Can Succeed in Male-Dominated Industries. “I was hearing from a lot from young women wanting to enter male-dominated industries. And their professors are telling them they won’t be good at it because they’re women,” she says, citing a study where women with superior math skills were broken into two groups and administered a math test. Researchers told the first group of women that the last time the test was administered; women didn’t do as well as men.  The second group wasn’t given this speech – and far outperformed the first group. “Just being told they probably wouldn’t be as good as men intimidated them on a subconscious level and kept them from being successful.”

And success with men is something Rivera knows all about. It took a while to win their respect, but when Rivera left the business (to do vendor consulting and write), she was an expert on communicating with men – clients, employees, peers and even the ones in her personal life.

Here, she shares some of that wisdom with PINK.

PINK: How did you make a name for yourself in construction?
Roxanne Riveria: When we started out, I was mostly doing marketing. By the time I became CEO, I was running pretty much everything – administration as well as field operations. I learned how to use the equipment. I didn’t want to be the type of owner who wouldn’t get her hands dirty. I wanted my team to respect me. Part of that was getting into the field and learning what they did. With men outside my company, it was really challenging at first. They wanted to know what this gal was doing here. They’d ask to speak to my boss, and when I told them I was the boss, they’d ask to speak to the other one. (She laughs now.)  I had to work really hard to build credibility. I sought out different boards. I sat on the Associated Builders and Contractors boards. They took me on because they need a token woman. It was the early 90s, and there was a lot of pressure, even in this industry, to include women.  For years, they wouldn’t listen to my suggestions. But I eventually showed them I knew what I was doing. I made myself visible throughout the industry. I wrote letters to editors about what was going on in the industry. I was my own one-person PR firm. I built credibility, and soon I was chair of the Work Comp Advisory Council in New Mexico under the governor. Now, people who wouldn’t give me the time of day before sought me out for advice.

PINK: If there’s no crying in business, what do you do when you’re about to burst into tears?
R.R.: I interviewed tons of women for my book. Every one shared instances of fighting back tears or excusing herself to go tear-up in her office. One strategy is to have a mantra. If a guy upsets you, say over and over, “It’s not about me. It’s about him.” Put things in perspective and step back. One time I had a subcontractor who called shouting at me about some job. I felt my throat get tight and the tears started welling up in my eyes. So I used what I now call the Mother Strategy. I asked him if he had a mother. He asked what his mother had to do with this. I said, “Wouldn’t your mother be upset to hear you talking to a lady like this?” That shut him up. He even called back later to apologize. Often if you just call men out on their bad behavior, they’ll correct themselves. At the end of the day, it’s OK to cry. I did. I just did it in my office or in the bathroom. It’s about keeping it under control. I always told the men in my company that there was no crying in construction. By the end of my career, I was sometimes making them cry.

PINK: What are your best tips for communicating with male decision makers?
R.R.: As women we tend to be more verbose when we bring up ideas. We want to make sure everyone gets it and everyone is listened to. When I’m communicating with a man, I have to get to point right away and tell him quickly exactly what I need, when I need it and why. Men are not mind readers. You have to say exactly what you want. We often assume men will know what we’re trying to get at. That’s not true. They can be clueless. Also, women tend to nod and say uh-huh, indicating we’re listening. Men can be listening and appear completely stone-faced. Men just aren’t as strategic in their body language as we are. Then there’s communicating with groups of them. In meetings with mostly men, it’s all about hierarchy and who can dominate the discussion. If they have gained floor, they think they have a higher position. So I asked strategic questions that required them to think and say more than yes or no. That earns me credibility and gets me involved in the conversation. I’m able to ask insightful, intelligent questions that let me take over the floor. Whenever possible, it’s best to talk to men one-on-one. Then there’s no hierarchy to distract them.

PINK: What’s your best advice for managing men?
R.R.: They love working in teams. I think it comes from playing more team sports in their youths. So I always was like Vince Lombardi, rallying them into groups. It sounds cliché, but they loved working that way – and respected me for that. Also, if I needed a man (or anyone) to do something, I didn’t issue it like an order. I said, “Here’s what I would like you to do.” Men get their feelings hurt easily about their work. Especially when a woman issues an order, it gets to their ego. Men are so defined by their jobs they can be more resentful. I didn’t give in. I was firm but careful.

PINK: How can women keep their authenticity and still play effectively with the boys?
R.R.: A lot of books say you have to do this or wear this or hold your head this way. I did it my way and followed common sense ideas. I’m not a woman who hides my femininity, but being a woman doesn’t mean you have to be nice all the time. You have to set boundaries and define your terms going in. Even if they don’t like it, they’ll eventually come around and respect you for it if you’re firm. That’s what they do. If you go in worried that you won’t be accepted and compromise who you are to fit in, you won’t be respected. We all know women are great at seeing through inauthenticity, but we often think men don’t pick up on it. They do! Running my company, I always wore high heel on job sites. I always wear high heels – everywhere. At first, people (mostly women) made comments about it. But this is who I am. Of course, I always dressed tastefully and conservatively, but I wouldn’t have felt like myself in flats.  And people eventually accepted it. I did the same thing when it came to balance. When my children were growing up, I picked them up from school every day. I got in to work early every morning, and my mom took them to school. But I was out of the office by 3:30. I told everyone – employees, bankers, my accountant and clients – that I would not take calls or meetings after that time. At first, some contractors put me down: “She only cares about her kids. She can’t cut it. A real contractor takes calls any time.” It took time, maybe a year, but eventually that’s just how it was. They all accepted it, if not respected me for it. I was lucky as a business owner to be able to do this, but you have to set boundaries in any work situation or you’ll be taken advantage of.

PINK: What were your best resources?
R.R.: Other women. For most male-dominated industries, there are associations for women. Women in Construction, for example, helped me tap into new resources and find meetings in my area where I could go and commiserate with other women doing what I do. It’s great to have someone to bounce things off of, and there’s an amazing boost of energy that comes from knowing you’re not alone, that other women are dealing with the same challenges you are. And you have to build your personal band of sisters, your support system – a group of friends you can call at the end of a hard day and say, “I really lost it today,” and then be able to discuss it and vent. It’s so important, but our lives get so busy, that piece often gets left out.

PINK: What is the most valuable business lesson you learned from men?
R.R.: How to compartmentalize. Men are great at it. As multi-taskers, women aren’t usually as good at putting emotions aside. When a man is focused on a task, everything else goes out of his head, including the fight he had that morning with his wife and his mother’s ailing health. We don’t put our emotions aside as well. I learned to do that, to put the emotion in a box and say, “I’ll open the box and feel this at the end of the day, but right now I have to focus on this moment.”

PINK: What goal have you not yet accomplished?
R.R.: I ran my business for 22 years, then got burned out. I wanted to do something new – like consulting and writing this book. Next, I’d like to write one about women who reach a point in their lives where they want a change. That often happens to women in their 50s; that’s what’s cool about this age. When you’re young, you think your life will go on the same way forever, but suddenly you’re faced with a career change, or go through a divorce, or have your kids leave the nest. Or maybe you just want new things. My 24-year marriage ended (though I’ve been married for four years now to an angel). And then when I left the company, I was happy with my decision, but after that long doing something, there were some adjustments. I want to be a resource for other women going through that.

PINK: How do you define “success”?
R.R.: Being at peace and comfortable with who I am and feeling I have done the best I can.

PINK: What do you do to relax?
R.R.: I get massages, buy shoes, cook and read. I just finished Julie and Julia.