She Earns More

Why aren’t top-earning women happy? Ask their husbands.

By Betsy Schiffman

When Norma Jean Keefer met a hunky rugby player at a Miami bar nearly 20 years ago, his finances were the last thing on her mind. Initially, it didn’t matter. She made roughly the same amount of money as he. (He was an engineer and she sold advertising at the Miami Herald.) Even after they started dating seriously, money was never an issue, other than the fact that they wanted more of it.

Early on in the marriage, though, she landed a job earning twice as much as her husband. To her surprise, he wasn’t very happy about it. Instead of celebrating her success, he controlled her spending, even though she was buying household goods and only spent money out of her own paycheck. It became such a bone of contention between them that he even suggested she quit her job.

“I’d buy $300 worth of groceries for the family – most of which he’d eat – but he’d see the bill and complain,” Keefer says. “We had been in debt; I got us out of it. Then when I wanted to buy something for the house, he was against it. Eventually I started my own checking account so I could buy things and he couldn’t complain about it.”

Keefer’s marriage lasted two years, and she maintains that money was one of the major reasons it collapsed. It may be an extreme example of what happens when women become breadwinners, but her experience isn’t that unusual. About a third of all working women in the United States earn more money than their husbands, according to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, and that number is trending upward at a fantastically rapid pace. It jumped to 32.4 percent in 2003 from 23.7 percent in 1987, and it’s likely to continue soaring given the fact that families are increasingly reliant on two incomes and women are now better equipped than men to enter the workforce. (Young women are more likely than men to have graduated from high school and have a college-level education, according to the most recent data from the U.S. Census.)

So what’s the problem? When men lose control of what they often believe is their most important contribution to raising a family – an income – the balance of power gets skewed and loving relationships can become soured by a tangle of resentments. Men may resent their wives for stripping them of their importance; women may begrudge their husbands for not carrying the financial burden; or women may feel guilt for having more success than their boyfriends or husbands, according to Ruth Hayden, an educator and author based in St. Paul, Minn.

“There’s this societal belief that whoever has the money in a relationship has the power, and if she makes more money than he does, she’s somehow going to take over,” Hayden says. “He’s going to be this poor, pathetic person without any say. It’s not true, but people believe it.”

Miranda, a 33-year-old film producer in Los Angeles (who asked us not to include her last name), earned about the same salary as her fiancé when they started dating three years ago. Now she makes twice as much as she used to and her fiancé is out of work. She pays their expenses, which she says she is glad to do, but she worries that her fiancé’s confidence and self-esteem have plummeted.

“I think the most uncomfortable thing about this is that I’m always walking on eggshells,” she says. “I feel like I’m emasculating him, but, more than anything, I just want him to be happy and feel good about himself.”

It’s a modern problem that few couples are equipped to deal with. Most women have probably heard stories about friends who cut their hours at work or who turned down a promotion to avoid bruising their husbands’ egos with a big paycheck. Experts, however, say such steps shouldn’t be necessary to keep a relationship together; in fact, this approach could lead to bigger problems down the line. Part of the solution is confronting the issues head-on, Hayden says.

“There is a fear of women having too much power,” she says. “Guys need to learn to keep their egos out of it, and women need to learn not to be intimidated. A woman can’t keep herself smaller to make her husband feel bigger or the relationship will never work. He needs to feel strong and competent too.”

Hayden has out-earned her husband for more than two decades and maintains that the only reason the relationship has lasted is because they hold regular meetings to address financial issues as they arise.

“Every week we have a different agenda. One week we may talk about cash flow, and another week we talk about retirement or budget,” Hayden says. “Most couples don’t talk about money until there’s a problem. And then they don’t have the skills to discuss it. They say things that are hurtful.”

Being able to talk about money is certainly helpful, but Hayden also argues that a certain amount of financial space can help keep a marriage healthy. She suggests each spouse keep his or her own bank account, as well as a joint account for expenses such as housing and insurance. As long as couples can agree how much each spouse contributes to the joint account, and as long as there’s enough to cover family expenses, personal purchases or indulgences shouldn’t pose as much of a problem.

“Part of your life is separate from your partner, and a part of his life is separate from you,” Hayden says. “Money should be the same way. We give our kids allowances so they have autonomy, but we sometimes forget to give ourselves autonomy.”

It sounds good on paper, but for some couples, separate accounts could lead to a “that is mine, this is yours” mentality that is counter to the spirit of marriage. Regardless of whether or not you choose to keep separate accounts, it’s just as important that couples work toward the same financial goals and can check in and assess their investments, according to Mary Claire Allvine, a Chicago-based certified financial planner and coauthor of The Family CFO: The Couple’s Business Plan for Love and Money (Rodale, 2004).

“Effective couples can say, ‘What’s mine is mine and what’s yours is yours,'” Allvine says. “Or they can say, ‘We’re putting all we have together.’ Either way, start your marriage with good inventories of what you bring to the table and keep updated on resources available to fund your near- and long-term goals.”

Earning more money than your partner shouldn’t cause guilt or shame. Nor should women deny themselves the pleasure of taking home a healthy income to keep the peace in a relationship. You’ve earned it. You should enjoy it.

Marriage Merger

“Money is the number-one thing couples argue about, regardless of who is earning more,” says Mary Claire Allvine, a certified financial planner and coauthor of The Family CFO: The Couple’s Business Plan for Love and Money (Rodale, 2004) who has worked with hundreds of couples. She says couples who get out of debt, buy homes, have kids, change jobs and survive crises successfully share these three traits:

1. Establish common goals. If you’re dreaming of an early retirement, say so. Find out if your partner is willing to make necessary sacrifices. If you would rather travel than build your 401(k), you’d better tell him now or the arguments about plane tickets are inevitable. Writing down common dreams will focus your energies and guide spending and living over time. The most successful couples I’ve met in my practice schedule an annual romantic weekend getaway to discuss their dreams.

2. Review and prepare. Couples can keep separate or joint assets. Either way, review everything at least annually to be sure you’re on track to reaching your goals. Talk about what you’ve been avoiding: What would happen if things went wrong? What worries you and how do you want to solve problems? Agree, in writing, to a dispute resolution process if problems persist. Will you see a counselor? Can you agree to not go to bed angry?

3. Divide up duties. The best couples also talk about how they plan to work together. Solutions come easier when teammates play different positions. If you’re better at paying bills but he’s interested in researching mutual funds, say so. The everyday stuff will get done better and faster. Switching positions every year or so can alleviate any tedium.

Here are common jobs you need to assign to one another:

• Bill paying
• Investment research (retirement and non-retirement)
• Insurance review (what do you need, what do you have and whom do you trust to compare the costs of different policies?)
• Estate planning (what would happen if the worst happened?)
• Financial reporting (how are we doing?)

This article originally appeared in the December.January 2005 issue of PINK Magazine.