The New-Nester Trip

We coined the phrase “new-nester” because the word “empty” was, well – too empty. After safely depositing our youngest at college, four states or 553 miles away, we booked our own getaway; a three day visit to Maine. We’d never been there before, save for my husband’s summer camp in Belgrade at age eight. We hoped lobster rolls and long hikes overlooking Penobscot Bay would jump start our new lives together sans children.

After writing this story in anticipation of the college send off, a flurry of mail poured in; mostly supportive. “I can totally relate.” “It made me cry.” “Call if you wanna talk.”

But others were less consoling. “There is no avoiding the stages of life,” read one email. Another said, “It would have ripped my heart out had my son gone out of state to college.” And finally, “We begin losing our children the very moment they are born.”

Turns out there’s actually a thing called “empty nest syndrome” and associated symptoms. It’s also called the “post-paternal period,” though experts insist it is not a medical condition. It’s described as a combination of mourning and possibility, satisfaction and anxiety.

The fact is, when you remove a rock from a river, something new, more sand or water or other rocks take its place. While we wait to find out what will fill the void it’s natural to feel a bit unmoored.

Sure, if one partner is ready to pack the RV and other is 24/7 at the office there could be trouble in paradise. But there’s also an opportunity here – and data to back it up.

According to a study out of University of CA at Berkeley, women reported increased marital satisfaction, not to mention less housework, once the nest was empty. There are even reports on empty nester envy.

It’s a time to discover new interests, renew career enthusiasm, rekindle friendships, hone hobbies that took a backseat, travel.

Other opportunities, or survival tips depending on how you look at it, include checking in with your son or daughter regularly, talking to a girlfriend who’s been there, getting professional support if needed, taking time to adjust, volunteer, exercise more, reconnect in your marriage. Think – take a trip to Maine?!

Now that my two sons are in college I have a broader perspective too. I can look back and feel good about the choices I made – to work, to start a business. It added to our closeness and despite more responsibility and a bigger workload, it also gave me some flexibility that otherwise I wouldn’t have had. My boys were proud of me and because of my commitment to work, we were aware of the preciousness of the time we spent together.

And I know, they will be back. We’re already booking plane tickets home for the holidays, and there’s summertime.

We know it’s not the end of our parenting years, just the beginning of a different kind of relationship. And one day we hope to have the chance to see them become successful adults, and even parents themselves. When one adventure ends, another is sure to begin.

These days, when we wake up in the morning all the lights are still off from the night before and no tornado has whipped through – no errant forks pecked with sticky food or half empty glasses sit on the table, cushions aren’t askew; not that we care. But what’s better is the new freedom and that sense of possibility – and the anticipation that come Thanksgiving we’ll all have the chance to share and learn from our separate adventures as we come together again.

Cynthia’s 5 Tricks to Handle Empty-Nesterdom

1. Reading Donna Tart’s, 700+ page, “The Goldfinch”
2. Doubling up on classes at Dance 101
3. Spending more time with girlfriends
4. Consider reinventing career
5. Adopted two white Silkie Bantam chicks (nest is empty no more!)

By Cynthia Good