Don't Feel Guilty

Women let guilt get to them. I don’t have any lofty, university-backed study to support this but my guess is that more women than men feel guilty when they have to leave their small children at daycare or home with a nanny when they go to work. My unscientific, qualitative study of female leaders shows that those who make it to the top don’t let these feelings consume them. The women I interviewed for my book, If I Knew Then What I Know Now: Secrets to Career Success From Top Women Leaders, offer this simple piece of advice: Don’t feel guilty

Amy Yoder, CEO of Arysta LifeScience, believes that if you let guilt creep in, your kids will pick up on it. Whatever you choose as your family situation, your children will see it as the norm. If you say this is how our family runs, then your kids will understand. There is no such thing as a typical model.

According to Amy, what matters most is if you’re happy, your spouse is happy, and your family is solid. If you have all three of these, your children will be happy. She believes that kids can handle anything.

The leaders I spoke with shared with me their wisdom on how they made it work. When their children were in grade school, Hala Moddelmog, President of Arby’s, and husband Steve thought it was important to come home at night and not show how stressed out they were from work. Says Hala, “The last thing we wanted them to do was get a bad feeling about work. We both enjoyed our jobs but sometimes we’d come home dead tired and stressed out and would want to grouse; but we were careful not to talk negatively in front of our children. More importantly, when they were at an impressionable age, we made sure we focused on them.”

Early on in their marriage, Hala and Steve figured out who was good at what and who enjoyed what so the divvying of chores was natural. They did it so early on that there was no tension around it.

Another tactic Hala adopted was to involve her children in her work. Every Saturday she would bring them to the office. They would bring a DVD to watch or something else to keep them occupied. Work was a positive for her children. She also took them on business trips when they were young–simple trips in the U.S.–and the children thought it was great.

When the children were older, she took each child on an international business trip once a year. According to Hala, that one-on-one time with each was very special. It was important to her that the children saw her enjoying her work.

So to those of you feeling conflicted about work and family, here’s the bottom-line advice: find your family’s norm, be happy with the life you’ve chosen, and above all else, don’t feel guilty.

By Erin Wolf