Relief for Working Mom's Guilt May 22, 2013Expert BlogsOff

Are you a mom and a professional? Do you suffer guilt over not being a “better” Mom – whatever that means for you? As a mother’s day gift I pass along words of wisdom from my son, 15 years old at the time. May they relieve some if not all of your guilt. (Meant for dads who are moms, too.)

I returned to full-time work as a manager in a Fortune 100 company when my son was 3 months old. By the time he was two, I was a full-time graduate student spending two consecutive days of classes and an overnight stay in between. When I returned home Tuesday evening I would always bring a special treat from the bakery near the school. I can picture 3-year-old Jordan now – sitting in his high chair at the kitchen table, Dad by his side, excitement blazing in his eyes, smiling from ear to ear. “Did you bring me a treat?” Always.

During each of the following six years I ran a consulting business, attended classes and worked an internship. Psychology texts became bedtime stories, allowing me to study and us to spend time together. At the age of five he asked about my dissertation. “Mom, if you put all the pages in the driveway would it be longer than the car?” Made me laugh. I had him copy all my papers from the computer’s hard drive to a CD when he was 8. He labeled it “Psycho Mom.” Made me laugh.

I felt guilty that I wasn’t home more, baking chocolate chip cookies, arranging art projects, taking trips to the park. Friends and co-workers assured me that my son, my husband and I had wonderful relationships and no one was suffering. It was the quality, not the quantity that mattered. None of this relieved my guilt. But I was compelled. I loved my work, and I did not want to stop or slow down.

When Jordan was 15, I considered a change so I could spend more time at home. The teenage years are so very important, and kids that age are vulnerable in so many ways. Jordan, my husband Bob and I talked about the potential career change. Jordan was incredulous “Why would you ever want to do that? You love your work. You wouldn’t be you if you didn’t work, or did at something you don’t love as much. You’d be unhappy, and that would make the rest of us unhappy. Things are good just the way they are.” That young man stopped me in my tracks. I had not valued one of the most important life lessons he was learning. Be who you are, your authentic self – and the rest will be okay.

Jordan is 19 and a college freshman. As he started the year people asked how he was adjusting. The word “adjusting” never occurred to me in relation to my son and college. He began doing his own laundry at 12. At 14 he cooked meals for himself and often for friends. He shopped for groceries at a nearby supermarket before he could drive. He loves college – the independence, the freedom, the life.

Recently a distant cousin discovered his daughter – a college sophomore – had not attended classes for 3 consecutive weeks. Instead she slept late, played video games and partied with friends at night. I asked Jordan what advice he might give my cousin about his daughter. “Get her out of there,” he said. “That kid doesn’t know how good she has it, and they shouldn’t be wasting their hard earned money sending her to college right now.” My son. I am very proud of who he is and what he values. So much for those freshly baked batches of chocolate chip cookies he missed out on.

We all give our children many gifts. Enjoy the ones you are giving them. Some day they will let you now how they’ve valued and grown from these gifts.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!

By Anne Perschel

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